Emotional maturity - a buddhist perspective by Matheesha Gunatilake

Part 1

I thought I should write a few words about this important topic. Emotions as we know often (but not always) fall into what we call defilements (keles). Anger, irritability, jealousy, anxiety are some of those negative emotions which are important to us as buddhists, working on the Path.

Emotional maturity includes a constellation of qualities which make our minds more stable and balanced, and actually express less defilements, and hence make us happier.

Lets explore one of these. That is understanding and being in line with the true nature of the world around us. For example we all know that we will become sick in this life. Or that our loved ones will become sick. However when this actually happens we are surprised, sad and distraught. Why? We have always known it, but we don't really
believe it deep inside. Or to put it in other words, our minds always see the world as sukha/happy. So if we correct this imbalance with a little contemplation, we will be more in line with the true nature of things and it won't make us unhappy ...because we have
always known it. For example we do not cry when the sun shines or when the wind blows. But old age, sicknes and death are just as natural events, yet we get upset. This is irrational. If we can see the world as it is, we can live happily and freely, not being
caught 'unaware' of life events.

We can be sure that we will fail sometimes ..or that someone will blame us or insult us. But when it actually happens we are so upset. This again is meaningless. To be alive means to be insulted! So it is nothing unusual. We should be amazed if it doesnt happen! So there is no point in being sad. Come into line with reality. Also understanding that all problems/hostility/losses are impermanent is also useful to remmeber.

Such understanding allows us to live freely and lightly. This develops a positive and vibrant equanimity where life events have little or no grip over us, yet we can react positively when they do occure. Emotions generally affect the mind into thinking
irrationally. If your mind is not buffeted by emtions, then you can respond well to any given sitation.

This means that compassion towards others become easier, even if they are hostile towards us. You will make better decisions in adverse times. You emotions will be less at the mercy of external events, and more in your control.

Which leads us to the next aspect of emotional maturity and intelligence...emotional control and expressing appropriate emotions.

Part 2

Last time we discussed how thinking more in line with reality is an aspect of emotional maturity. This leads us not to be affected by the ups and downs of life, but to maintain a happy responsive equnaimity, as we have accepted what life is like.

Today let us talk about being responsible for your own emotions.

By this I mean not getting caught up in your negative emotions and expressing them. This will lead to no benefit either to yourself or others. This is different from suppressing emotions. Suppressed emotions from a buddhist sense are emotions which are still there
and haven't been dealt properly with.

Negative emotions as we discussed earlier are defilements like anger, greed, jealousy etc. These bring us suffering and need to be irradicated for the sake of our own happiness, which is what the buddhist path is all about.

It is our responsibility to not burden others with our emotions.

Sometimes we even use our emotions to manipulate others into doing what we want. These are all defilements which must be gotten rid of. This might mean learning new behaviors to deal with issues in life. But then the buddhist path requires a certain effort, which you must be ready to invest for the sake of your own happiness.

We sometimes expect others to manage our emotions. This is one reason why we express them. We get angry/sad and expect another to make us feel better/pity us/console us. This is also how a child behaves because he is not mature enough to have control over his
emotions. However an adult does (should) have control over his emotions and is expected to manage his emotions appropriately and not to burden others.

Methods of managing emotions are present everywhere in the dhamma. From changing beliefs (ditti), to various types of meditations which bring out positive emotions (metta, karuna, muditha, upekka, samadhi, sadda, piti) and to thought control methods mentioned in the vitakkasanthana sutta, dvedhavitakka sutta, sabbhasava sutta, etc in the MN.

And what goes before all of this is being able to identify your emotions. This require Sathi -mindfulness. In the four foundations of mindfulness the third foundation is Cittanupassana - knowing the state of your mind. So this becomes an important tool in the service of our happiness.

Even if you cannot maitain constant mindfulness, you can at times when you feel bad look into your mind and identify the emotion that you are feeling at the time and then remove it using some of the methods mentioned in the dhamma. If you can come up with your own techniques, even this is helpful as long as the defilements are eliminated. After all only you know what best works for you.

Another method would be to peer into your own mind from time to time and see what state it is in. If it is anything other than calm and peaceful/happy  there is work to be done!