A Real Test in Life - Mithra Wettimuny

A discourse given by Mr. Mithra Wettimuny to a grief stricken wife of a dying patient ( who by profession was a Gynaecologist and referred to herein as ‘Doc’) on 3^rd August 1997 (in the morning) at the Medical Intensive Care Unit of the General Hospital, Colombo, Sri Lanka (as minuted by a bystander, a Dhamma Student).

This is not a time to cry, not a time to lament but a time to realize the truth. The truth of impermanence dukkha and anatta.

I spoke to Doc. He is passing off peacefully. He is calm and his mind is at peace. He is a man who has lead a wholesome life, a meritorious life which will take him to a good plane of existence. You have done your best for him, both as a wife and as a doctor. There is nothing to regret, nothing to lament about. On the contrary you must be glad that this ordeal is coming to an end. Let go and prepare your mind for his death and help him to prepare his mind.

This is the greatest test in life. Your meditation is only a training ground. Now is the real test on the one hand and on the other, the greatest opportunity to realize the truth. The opportunity to contemplate on impermanence, dukkha and Anatta. If possible take some time off, get to a corner and contemplate. Doc is well cared for here. You don’t need to standby.

If you are not ready for the death of another, you are never ready for the death of your own. The death of a loved one is so painful. However, death of your own self is worse. There can be pain both mental and physical. So prepare yourself for that ultimate reality.

Contemplate on the impermanence and the resultant dukkha of all things and situations around you. You must remember that whatever is of the nature to arise, all that is of the nature to cease. Keep watching and observing dukkha springing up in your mind. By that alone will dukkha subside. Contemplate on the good times both of you had together, contemplate on his youth and then how gradually, with age the organs began to pack up one by one. He is now struggling for life. This is the otherwiseness of all things. Whatsoever is lovely and delightful, all that is of the nature to be otherwise and separate. You are now experiencing the truth of this. Finally all things part from us. The more pleasant it has been, more painful it is at the time of parting. This is your direct experience now. You had a very pleasant association with Doc, but now all that has become otherwise. He is now a tremendous source of sorrow to you. This is the nature of all things. This is dukkha. See the lack of mastery over the body and mind. This is Anatta. Look at your mind. Keep watching your thought process. See how little control you have over your mind, over the painful feelings. So how can you try to have control over another. How can you try to stop him from passing away. This is the meaning of Anatta, the lack of mastery, which is the true nature of existence. Try to come to terms with it.

This dukkha comes from ‘Bhava Thanha’ clinging to being, craving to be. The notion of ‘I’ and ‘mine’, ‘my husband’. An ‘Aryan’ a trainer on this Path all the time keeps telling himself, reminding himself "this is not mine and not myself". So always keep telling yourself "this is not mine, not myself" eventually the notion of ‘my husband’ does not arise.

My father passed away when he was 49 yrs when I was a young man. Then I was in deep sorrow for 3 months. 5 years ago, after I started meditation, my Teacher passed away. I felt terribly hollow. He was my kalyana mithra, the greatest association of my life. But I got over it in a few days. However, at that occasion, I told myself, never will I put myself in this situation again in sansara. Now when I look back I am happy that my father passed away at that age avoiding the miseries of old age, particularly because he was ready for his death. So this is the time for you to resolve that you will never put yourself in this situation ever again in sansara.

This is the Dhamma way, crying is not the Dhamma way. This happens to all of us. How many husbands have you cried for in sansara. We are losing a dear friend. We all have our bonds. But the wise man knows when to switch off. This timing is very important. When the time comes you must learn to switch off, to let go. You must stop clinging and let go.

You are in deep sorrow today because you took refuge in something impermanent. You should have enjoyed his association, delighted in his association knowing and being aware that such association is impermanent. Now be an island unto yourself and take refuge only in the Dhamma. A man like Doc is destined to the heavens. When he is no more what you should do is continue to do merit and offer him merit. The one person he will look to for merit is you. However, you must remember that there is no merit in a tormented mind. Crying and weeping is only accumulation of akusala. There is merit only in a calm state of mind. So you must stop crying and continue to do merit.

A few weeks ago, Doc was not in a good frame of mind. He was agitated, he was in sorrow and grief. However now his grief has subsided and he is in a peaceful frame of mind. So this is the time to pass away. Passing away in this frame of mind is for his welfare. This state of mind takes him to a good plane of existence. This state of mind and body has come about at this juncture as a fruit of his ‘maithri’ (kindness) and his good merit. So realize that, prepare your mind and let go. He is dying. Let him pass away peacefully. Doctors will always give you hope. They are only being diplomatic. But I am talking to you in all sincerity, so bluntly, because this indeed is the truth. Although truth will shake you up, it brings you down to realities of life and brings peace to you. So now let go and make use of this golden opportunity to prepare yourself for your own death.

[At the end of the discourse the wife calmed down and the patient passed away peacefully the same night.]